Will You Forgive Me?
by Kieko Rose
Summary: Who does Brenda blame for what happened in the desert?


Will you forgive you?

* * *

Brenda always hated her family. She hated her parents who never let her do anything that she wants. She hated her older sister who was always their parents' favorite. She hated her for having Doug even though Brenda would have been happy to go out with Doug. To love Doug… she hated Bobby for always being so annoying, always butting into her business. Yet at the same time she loved them all so much that she could not live without them… 

She hated how she always had to drive Bobby to and from high school every single day. She hated that he would try and add himself when she goes to the movies with her friends. She hated that he looked up to her as a role model even though she acted nasty to him all the time. She would always hate it when he tried to ask her for trigonometry tutoring, and she always wondered how he always thought that she would waste her time spending time with him. She would laugh at him when he told her that he loved her and then she would tell him that she hated him. He was the younger brother that no one in the family really liked but would put up with him.

She would love it when she went out with her friends on Friday night without the pressure of family dragging her down. She would go to raves and get drugged with ecstasy, maybe some crack, maybe some beer. She just loved how free she was, free of her family, free of her life. At the rave she knew who she was, she was Brenda Carter, a woman who wanted to move out of her parents' house and finally begin to live life.

* * *

She waited in the waiting room of the doctor's office feeling silly as she put her hands over her stomach. She had not had her period in two months…but she couldn't get pregnant, she just couldnt. She couldn't deal with having kids at the moment, she wanted to live by herself and do what she wanted with her life the fact of that being destroyed was just plain depressing. The doctor called her name and she raised from her seat and went into the doctor's office feeling as if she was about to get executed.

* * *

It was been a couple of weeks since the doctor's office and the doctor told her the news, she was pregnant. Brenda nearly went hysterical, she couldn't have this child, and there must be something that she could do. She thought about going into an abortion center but she swore she would never walk into that place. So instead she drank as much caffeine as she could get her hands on and went to more raves and got high so she could have an abortion, so she could enjoy her life. Three weeks after she started to seriously mess up her body she had a miscarriage. She looked at the blood in her underwear with content; the baby was gone now she could continue living the life she picked out for herself…

* * *

Instead of going to her brother's last soccer game in the season Brenda spent that entire afternoon watching movie after movie at the theater. When she got home she was so high on drugs that she never saw how disappointed Bobby was that she was not at his game. When he asked her why she did not go to her game all she said was that she didn't want to watch him screw up like he always does. She never noticed when Bobby stopped inviting her to his games…she did not really care.

* * *

She forgot to buy Bobby a gift on his birthday, as well as she never showed up for his birthday party, in fact only two out of thirty people showed up. He hid his face in his hands with shame and regret… 

Instead of going to Bobby's party Brenda and her friends decided to go and shoot up some LSP. She never laughed as hard in her life as she did that day as they shoplifted stores and beat up people on the street stealing their wallets just for fun. They would flash and moon people as they drove past them in their cars…

That night right before Bobby was able to blow the candles out of his birthday cake Ethel and Big Bob got a phone call and expecting it to be Brenda they picked up the phone. But it was not Brenda but instead the police informing the family that Brenda had been arrested. Big Bob and Ethel ran straight out to the car leaving Bobby staring at the cake in front of him, the melting wax dripping onto the cake. He blew out the candles by himself and sat back and waited until his family got back before he did anything else.

Ethel screamed at Brenda and all Brenda could do was giggle. The police then informed them that Brenda was on LSP. They where so shocked that their daughter would do something like this…after much negotiations, and thanks to Big Bob being a retired cop, the policemen let her off with a warning. But he warned the family next time she is caught doing anything against the law they will bring her to court…

By the time the family got home they where all so mad that they all just wanted to go into their bedrooms and sleep. Bobby who was still sitting staring at his birthday cake had other ideas. He smiled at them but none of them even looked at him, heading off to their separate bedrooms leaving Bobby in the living room with a birthday cake and a birthday hat and not much else…

* * *

As the mutants continued raping her she screamed for help as loud as she could, her sister ran into the trailer only to have some fucking creep breastfeed on her. She begged her for help and she stared at her with determination and fear. When their mother came in and she watched those mutants kill both of them she cried in deep sorrowful grief… 

Bobby held her tight as she cried and cried. He comforted her until she was calmed down. He protected her as best he could after that moment almost getting himself very close to being murdered, too afraid to lose anybody else he cared about…

She still blamed him for what happened back at the trailer. He could have saved her from being molested, from having some mutated freak shoving his penis inside her. Instead he did not tell anybody until it was too late, he could have stopped Brenda from being raped. She never even wondered how that trip affected Bobby, she did not even tried to find out, she just hated him too much…

* * *

Brenda wanted nothing to do with Bobby after they escaped, kicking Bobby out of the house. Bobby begged and cried and asked her over and over again why is she doing this, and she replied "it was your entire fault. You caused our father's death, you caused our mother's death, and you caused Lynn's death. I never want to see you again." 

Bobby didn't have anywhere to go…he tried asking Doug if he could live with him but Doug was still mad at Bobby too and he told Bobby that he has not forgiven him yet and until he forgave Bobby he wouldn't allow Bobby to live with them. Bobby was homeless and too overwhelmed with guilt, and he didn't know what to do…

* * *

It was on a Tuesday that Brenda received the phone call. Bobby was hysterical crying and begging her to let him come home. He kept saying that he was sorry but she hung up on him, ignoring how terrified he sounded…

* * *

It was Thursday that he tried to call her again telling her that he needed to talk to her, that he needed to come home ,but she couldn't let him yet, it was all too soon. She was still convinced that everything that happened was his fault. He pleaded to her one more time before he started bawling. For a moment Brenda thought about asking him what's wrong but instead she hung up on him without feeling any guilt. She had enough problems to deal with; she did not need to worry about what upset Bobby…

* * *

Bobby kept trying to call her though out the night and it came to the point in which Brenda unplugged the phone before heading off to sleep. The next morning she plugged the phone back in the wall and wondered if Bobby was going to call her again or if he finally had given up. Brenda was serious when she said she wanted nothing to do with Bobby…

* * *

She made herself some popcorn before she started to watch a movie that was on television wondering if she could be an actress, the phone rung again and she picked it up in anger. It was Bobby again and he once again asked if he could come home, only planning to ask one more time…she sighed before yelling into the phone toward Bobby, "I hate you Bobby. I told you I never wanted to see you again. Now get that though your pathetic brain of yours and leave me the fuck alone, you faggot." She still remembered his words to her, "do you wish I was dead?" She laughed at him as she told him, "yes." She hung up the phone and threw it on the couch as she looked at the pictures of the wall. She saw the newest family portrait and she tore it off the wall and she took a black sharpie and she colored in Bobby, erasing him from the picture. Brenda did that with every photo that was on the wall. She turned on the stove and burnt all of Bobby's baby pictures watching as the pictures were being destroyed, watching as the picture of her holding Bobby as a new born twisting together, melting. She even threw his birth certificate and his social security card in the fire erasing all signs that a Bobby was ever born. By the time she was done it was like she had no brother at all, even his room was cleaned up, his clothes all ripped to shreds. She smiled contently, what brother?

* * *

Her brother eventually stopped calling her and she moved on happily feeling for once at peace with herself. She had no real reasonability; she only had to look out for herself and no one else. She was at once happy with her life; she was at peace finally...

* * *

Late one night she received a phone call and picked it up instantly, it was the police who needed her to come down to the police station. She asked them why and they answered that it was about her brother. She frowned even though the police could not see her, as she asked them why she would tell her that, she had no brother. The police asked if she was Brenda Carter and she replied yes, and the police told her that it concerns Bobby. 

She walked calmly into the police station sighing as a policeman meets her, shaking her hand. They explained to her that they needed her to claim her brother and led her to a room. She expected to see him in a police lineup of something like that but instead they rolled a body out of the morgue and threw the sheet off of his head. She freezes in shock as she immediately recognizes Bobby and she numbly asked the policemen what happened to him…

He died of hydration and long exposures of heat, the policeman told her and she sighed. The police showed Brenda the paper that Bobby had on him when they found it and she took it half-heartily. She opened it as I read it, 'I'm so sorry about how awful I am. But at least I can do something for you to make it up to you. You got your wish.' And I closed my eyes tightly as I memorized the words…

* * *

The funeral was really small, only Doug, Katherine, Brenda, and a couple of Bobby's friends showed up. Brenda watched as Doug walked up beside the coffin as he put a large bouquet of flowers in the coffin tears running down his face as he kissed Bobby's forehead before sitting back down. Bobby's friends reach brought Bobby large bouquets of flowers as well and they both set it in the coffin beside Doug's. They all looked at Brenda who looked straight ahead not even caring. Brenda still has not forgiven him for ruining my life and se never will! 

Brenda didn't even shred a tear as she watched Bobby's coffin get lowered into the ground. She did not bring any flowers for the occasion just like she never gave him a birthday present on his last birthday. Doug and Bobby's friends were throwing single roses on top of the coffin as they cried in grief and sorrow. I didn't even get out of my seat, I barely even cared…

* * *

It was Bobby's birthday, well would have been Bobby's birthday. Brenda walked though the graveyard getting closer to his grave and stopped when she saw some bigroot morningglory in the graveyard. She plucked a handful of them out of the ground and sat beside his grave. 

"Happy birthday." Brenda said to the grave stone as she put the weeds near his grave. Brenda looked at the happy birthday balloon on the gravestone seeing the large banquet of flowers tied to it. She looked at the flowers which was fresh red roses. Beside the balloon and the flowers laid a picture of Doug, Lynn, and Katherine and a note attached to it. Brenda opened the note as she read it, 'see you will never be alone again.' She looked at the flowers as she took the note off the flowers and read that one too, 'see I remembered your birthday. I brought you a present.'

Brenda nearly lost it at that point, she nearly started crying as she read Doug's note. There was one more note on the balloon and she quickly opened it. 'I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I hope one day you could forgive me. God I miss you so much.'

Brenda looked back at the gravestone before telling it, "One day when I forgive you I will come back. And when I come back I will bring flowers just as beautiful as Doug', to you. And I will bring you a balloon too, just for you little brother." Brenda got up from her seat and quickly leaves the graveyard knowing that she would never come back for she knows she will never forgive Bobby…

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